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SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31312
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#163642 2 years, 2 months ago
straighttohell.jpg
The following user(s) said Thank You: scar1et_f1re
manunyc
Senior Boarder
Posts:436

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#163687 2 years, 2 months ago
Attachments:
Counting stars by candlelight, all are dim but one is bright
Last Edit: 2 years, 2 months ago by manunyc.
FurthurFlower67
Platinum Boarder
Posts:5021
Good Love!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#163692 2 years, 2 months ago
I wish I knew this answer when I was in school...

true.jpg
Dreams are lies...it's the dreaming that's real!!!!
The following user(s) said Thank You: scar1et_f1re
alilfurther
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1947

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#163733 2 years, 2 months ago
the penguine

A drunk walks into a bar with a penguine and orders 2 beers the bar keep said you need to take that penguine to the zoo , the man left only to return to the bar the next day with penguine still in tow. Orders 2 beers and the barkeep said hey I thought I told you to take that penguine to the zoo. The man smiled and replied I did and today we are going to the library!!! yuck yuck!!!!
Let It SHIIIINE !!!!!!!!!!
Last Edit: 2 years, 2 months ago by alilfurther.
The following user(s) said Thank You: ecojaded
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31312
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#164943 2 years, 2 months ago
A man went to visit a local farm. While he was there, he noticed a hog with only 3 legs. He asked the farmer, “Why does that hog have only 3 legs?”. The farmer smiled broadly and said “That’s my favorite of all of the animals here. When my house was burning down, he squealed and squealed until I woke up and got out. That hog saved my life, he's my hero!” The visitor was very impressed, and said “So did he lose the leg in the fire?”. “Oh no, that’s not it, he was fine after the rescue” replied the farmer, “But you can’t eat a good hog like that all at once!!”.
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420
SunshineSue
Platinum Boarder
Posts:31312
Life is sweeter for this!

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186086 2 years ago
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420, strangerinboulder
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1453

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186087 2 years ago
A drunk Newfie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The Newfie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
A bottle appears in front of the Newfie. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Newfie being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the Newfie, "Give me TWO more of these!"
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1453

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186088 2 years ago
A Newfie buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.


After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help.


The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.


The newfie farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant.



The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie
down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.


The newfie hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.


Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.


"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls
knackered into bed.


The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1453

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186090 2 years ago
A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow . . .

but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're
staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say,

I gotta leak in my sink, and the

clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol

out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a

Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who invented the toothbrush ?

A Redneck.

(If it had been invented by anyone else,

it would have been a teeth brush)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new Redneck law was just recently passed

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?

'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' .

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
jaredlang
Platinum Boarder
Posts:1453

Re: Heard any good jokes lately? Any bad ones?

#186097 2 years ago
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
brown bag
on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:



"Good trade....."
Standing on the moon with nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven but I'd rather be with you
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